The Last Line
by imgoingtocallyoufern
Summary: After that day, nothing would ever be the same. [Post 5x03]
1. Shellshocked

It was strange how, _in that moment,_ life seemed to move in slow motion. Everything was changing for Deeks, yet somehow the world still turned on its axis and people retained their basic ability to breathe.

That wasn't the case for Deeks though. If someone had asked, he might've said that his world was no longer turning, but that would've been an understatement. It had practically been relinquished from it's field of gravity and spun off it's axis.

No analogy really seemed fitting of the situation that he was watching unfold. It's almost as if he'd just lost a part of himself as Kensi hit the floor, her body coming to land on the pavement with a loud thud.

She'd been shot- Deeks_ knew _that she'd been shot.

But even as he heard the bullet escape the barrel of their fleeing suspect's gun, even as he watched it burn into Kensi's side, and even as he watched her eyes begin to flutter closed, Deeks couldn't bring himself to believe any of it was actually true.

To acknowledge that her death was something imminent, something he could sense, something he could practically taste would mean it was_ real. _

Despite the facts, his mind had blocked out the possibility completely- he wouldn't allow her to ever die like_ that. _Getting shot was quite possibly the worst way to die, and Deeks hated that Kensi was experiencing the same pain he had once before.

He knew what it was like. He knew that a burning sensation was encapsulating Kensi's entire body as the bullet pierced into her flesh, not being held away from her skin by a bullet proof vest of any kind- usually visiting a victim's house didn't require protection.

Kensi couldn't die. She just couldn't.

She was his partner, and she was the one person Deeks loved more than life itself- _but she didn't know it yet. _

So Kensi couldn't die.

The man that had shot her was getting away, but he'd allow Sam and Callen to catch him- they were just around the corner.

Deeks sprinted over to his partner, vision narrowed to focus in solely on Kensi. He came to a sliding stop beside her, tears already pricking at the corners of his eyes as he peeled off his jacket, wrinkling it up into a ball and pressing the wad of fabric firmly against her side.

"Deeks," she whispered, her eyes frantically searching for him. Kensi had tried to yell his name, but the noise just wouldn't come out. Her voice was small, weak and childlike, which was something that Deeks rarely ever heard. "Owww…. "

"Hey hey hey, Kens? I've got you, okay? I've got you."

His voice cracked, but he steadied it immediately as a tear dripped from Kensi's wide eyes upon hearing the sound of his voice.

Suddenly, Deeks couldn't help but wonder if the job was really worth it. All the pain it caused, all the tears, all the devastation. He remembered only a split second later though that without that job, as awful as it might have seemed in that moment, he never would've met Kensi.

So yes- it was all worth it.

Kensi winced. Her skin grew flush as beads of perspiration from the mounting pain continuously popped up around her hairline. He could see her fighting the ache- she was desperately trying to internalize it.

"I'm not gonna let you go, Kens. I'm not gonna let you die," Deeks muttered as he continued to tightly hold his jacket up against her side. His favorite coat was bloody and damp now, but he just couldn't bring himself to care, not even the slightest bit.

If she survived, Deeks would give her never-ending amounts of grief for it. He'd tell her how much he had loved that coat, and how she was going to have to buy him a new one. He'd use it as an excuse to make her go with him to the mall and find it again. But Deeks wouldn't really care about the coat, not at all. Behind the laughing and the jokes and the jibes, he would simply be happy that they were_ together._

Sadly, the idea of that shopping trip was becoming less and less probable with the passing time.

Sam and Callen had seen everything go down, and he knew that they'd called Eric, which meant that it was only a matter of time before an ambulance came.

It _had _to be, because it was clear that Kensi was running out of strength. With each second that ticked by her breathing grew increasingly shallow, until she was nearly gasping for air.

Deeks was losing her, he could feel it. And just about all he could do was panic.

"No, no no- come on Kens. Stay with me," Deeks whispered, his voice quietly frantic as he leaned even further over her. "Please. Kensi _please._ Just breathe."

Kensi's eyes pierced into his, tears fully streaming down her cheeks by that point. She tried her best to speak to him silently- but it just didn't feel like enough. She searched for words and was only able to find a few, ones that were barely even in her vocabulary.

"I'm sorry."

Deeks didn't need to ask her anything, but he did it regardless.

"For what?"

Kensi didn't say another word, she honestly couldn't. But as she tearfully held his gaze, eyes wide, Deeks knew exactly what she was sorry for.

She was sorry that she hadn't kissed him back. That she'd left. That she hadn't been able to get him away from Siderov when she'd first had the chance.

She was sorry because she'd always teased him incessantly. Kensi had given him never ending amounts of grief for _everything_ he did on a daily basis, and she suddenly regretted it all.

She was sorry that she hadn't been kinder, that she hadn't told him how she felt, that she hadn't tried harder.

But above all else- Kensi was sorry that she was slipping away from him and there was absolutely nothing that he could do about it.

She repeated the words, hoping that the second time around they might carry more weight.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't say that," Deeks whispered tearfully. He knew what Kensi was doing- she was trying to say _goodbye. _

Her eyes were half open as she struggled to stay alert.

"Kens- you can do this. I'm gonna keep talking, alright? Just keep listening to my voice. Don't close your eyes."

She was desperate to live, desperate to carry on- so for once in her life Kensi Blye did as she was told. She nodded and reached one hand out, wrapping it tightly around Deeks' left wrist- both of his hands were still holding the bloody jacket against her side.

"I'll tell you a story. It's a wonderful story, a beautiful story," Deeks began, trying to speak without his voice breaking. He needed something to keep her awake.

"There was a guy and a girl-" He shook his head, swallowing hard before continuing. "-and they were just _mad _about one another."

More silent tears sprung up in Kensi's eyes. She tightened her grip around his wrist, tightly closing her eyes before opening them up wide again.

"They were partners. They saved each other, in more ways than one. But the problem was, I mean, the problem _is-" _He paused, changing his story to the present tense. There was no use in denying that the tale he was telling was actually about them. "One can't live without the other, Kens. It's… it's a love story."

Kensi's heart practically stopped beating altogether, but not as a result of the gunshot wound. It was because of Deeks.

She felt her mind slowly slipping away, as if her subconscious was ready to die before she was. She really couldn't say much more verbally, but Kensi didn't have to. Deeks already knew how she felt, even without the added confirmation.

He knew that she loved him. _He knew_. But regardless of that fact, she wanted him to have no doubts about them as he moved forward in his life.

His new life _without her._

She smiled half-heartedly, her cheeks stained with salty tears. Squeezing his wrist tightly before her eyes fluttered closed for what she believed would be the very last time, Kensi breathily whispered her final words.

"It is."


	2. Walk Away

**Thank you for all of the reviews! I really appreciate it. Sorry I made so many of you cry in chapter one, although I'm sure I'll do it again. :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_She smiled half-heartedly, her cheeks stained with salty tears. Squeezing his wrist tightly before her eyes fluttered closed for what she believed would be the very last time, Kensi breathily whispered her final words._

_"It is."_

Deeks couldn't allow it to all end like that.

After all the time that had passed, all the wasted years that they could've spent together, Deeks was leaning over his dying partner, hearing how she felt for the very first time.

He felt so _cheated._

"You're right, Kens. You're right," Deeks said, his voice quiet and panic stricken. "But that means you can't close your eyes, not yet. Keep 'em open just a little bit longer. Do it for me."

She was silent.

Deeks didn't know what to do other than _break down_. He could't breathe, but still managed to hold his jacket tightly against his partners side, hoping and praying for a miracle of some kind.

"No no no no… _please,_ Kens_." _

Despite his pleading words, Kensi's eyes weren't opening, nor was she responding.

Throughout the years, Deeks had tried to prepare himself for something like that. It was inevitable, really. One day, it was bound to happen. Someone would get hurt.

But nothing at all could have made that moment in time even remotely bearable. Absolutely _nothing. _

Kensi was all that mattered in his life. She was his reason for living, his reason for breathing, his sole purpose. So right then and there, dying along with her certainly seemed preferable to living.

"You can do this Kens. Open your eyes. Just look at me."

There was no reply. No miraculous healing.

Kensi's eyes remained closed.

Deeks could hear an ambulance fast approaching. His palms were sweating, and his knees weak as he studied his partner's face, knowing there was a good chance it might be the last time he ever saw it. Brown hairs messily framed her face, and the neat braid that her hair had been pulled up into was almost completely undone. Tears stained Kensi's face, her cheeks vibrantly red from the pain.

Despite it all, he couldn't help but view her as stunningly beautiful.

Deeks dropped the jacket from his hand- it was completely soaked in blood, therefore absolutely useless. He leaned forward over her, gingerly lifting Kensi up onto his knees.

One of his hands cupped her cheek, the other resting behind her back.

"Don't go, okay? Not yet. I'm not ready to lose you yet."

Never would a day come when Deeks was actually_ ready _to lose her. But on that day in particular, with so much still left unsaid, the mere thought of it was debilitating.

"Please," he whispered, pushing the hair away from her face as silent tears washed down his cheeks. "Stay with me."

Despite the piercing noise of sirens approaching almost exactly behind him, Deeks couldn't leave the position where he sat. Kensi laid limply in his arms, and he could just_ feel_ that he was loosing her. That she wasn't there with him anymore, despite being directly in front of him.

Deeks would've given anything to hear her laugh just one more time. To see her eyes, one brown and one hazel. To be blinded by her dazzling smile, genuine and bright.

But it wasn't plausible to think in that way. To think about the loss.

He bit his bottom lip, and any leftover tears that had previously been sitting on the brims of his eyes spilled over, gushing down his cheeks like rivulets.

Deeks utterly despised the strong sense of loneliness that came over him as the medics rushed towards them, wheeling a stretcher. Even as they ran up to his side, trying to force him away, Deeks couldn't bring himself to leave.

His eyes were glued to her face, which looked calm and at peace- the polar opposite of how he felt.

He heard a voice speaking to him gruffly, one that was faint but still familiar.

"Come on Deeks. You've gotta let her go."

It was Sam. And although his grip was strong and firm as he tried to pull Deeks back, there was no way the man was leaving his partner's side without a fight. For a moment he pushed against the force trying to take him away, but by that point Deeks was far too weak to actually succeed.

Eventually he gave in to the pressure, allowing Kensi to be lifted off of his lap by two EMTs. Deeks watched breathlessly as the men carefully maneuvered her limp frame onto a stretcher, placing an oxygen mask over her face as they hurriedly wheeled her into the back of the ambulance.

Standing up, Deeks rushed to follow after her. But he couldn't get far as Sam stopped him once again, a single hand resting on his shoulder.

"Deeks."

That was the only word Sam needed to say before Deeks stopped walking. He understood why he had to stay behind, and knew that he just had to let her go on without him, no matter how much it hurt.

Doors were slammed shut, and in a flash the ambulance was speeding away from them at an exponential rate. He stood tall with his hands resting on his hips, eyes dancing around the block before finally settling on the ground in front of him.

The pavement was stained with blood. Kensi's blood.

A reminder.

Deeks ran one hand through his hair, sinking to the ground as his knees buckled from the mounting pain. He couldn't take it.

"Deeks…" Sam extended an arm out, about to rest it on his friend's shoulder when he sprung up from the ground.

He was tearful, upset and angry- a tumultuous combination.

"I need to get out of here," he whispered, voice cracking halfway through. "I've gotta get to the hospital."

With shaking hands Deeks fumbled for his car keys, feeling all of his pockets but coming up empty handed. That was when he remembered- they had taken Kensi's car to the victim's house.

At the time, he'd feigned annoyance about it as well. Deeks told her that she drove like a bat out of hell, and questioned her on how she had ever actually passed her driving exam. Kensi had just laughed, telling him a short story about how she'd received the lowest possible score you could get, while still passing. She couldn't parallel park and rolled through a stop sign. Deeks then said that he didn't feel safe driving with her any longer, and that she should probably pull over. Kensi had just kept driving, but that joke had still managed to produce a laugh.

The sound echoed around inside of his brain, pushing everything else aside. It was beautiful, loud, and persistent as hell.

A hand rested on his shoulder, pulling Deeks back into reality.

"Callen's with the backup agents. I'll drive you."

He hesitated for only a short moment before nodding, taking into consideration the sincerity that was readily apparent in Sam's voice.

Weakly he followed Sam around the corner to the challenger, taking one last glimpse over his own shoulder at the blood stained pavement before it disappeared completely from his line of sight.

The last remaining bit of his partner, _gone. _

* * *

The car ride to Pacific Beach Medical Center felt longer than it ever had before. Sam and Deeks didn't share any words- there was honestly nothing more Deeks could say.

He just stared forward at the road, gaze unmoving as his eyes swam in their sockets. What was he even supposed to say after what had just happened? Absolutely nothing, of course.

What could someone say when they'd just watched the light drain from their partner's eyes? When they'd watched the one person they truly loved bleed out on the ground in front of them?

Deeks had no idea. So he didn't say a single word.

Sam glanced in his direction every minute or so, just to make sure he was still okay. Well, as okay as he could actually be, given the circumstances.

Every time he looked over Sam got the exact same answer- still alive, barely breathing.

Deeks kept opening his mouth just the tiniest bit, as if he was going to say something, but no words would come out. He couldn't think straight, let alone formulate a sentence.

"Deeks… she could still make it. Just don't forget that."

He swallowed hard, taking the words in waves, his own mind unsure of how to properly process them. Just the uncertainty in Sam's tone was throwing him for a loop. But in particular, the way his voice lingered a moment too long on the word '_could'_ made everything hit him ten times harder.

It all felt so _wrong._

Deeks just cleared his throat, staring down at his lap as he forced words through a tightly lipped mouth.

"I'm not ready to think about the other option."

Sam worried that he'd misspoke, but tried to glaze over it pretty quickly, not wanting to inflict any more damage on the already broken man.

"Me neither."

After those two simple words came another five minutes of silence. Sam eventually broke it though, only when he saw tears welling up in Deeks' eyes. He knew that his friend's mind was spinning out of control, and hoped that saying something to fill the noiseless void might make his thoughts subside, even if it was only for a moment.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you out back there. You…. you helped me, and I couldn't do the same."

Deeks actually looked over at Sam once he let out the last part of his sentence, eyes wide and innocent.

"Come on, Sam," he whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Don't beat yourself up. I'm not sure you can really compare the two instances. I did what I had to do. Michelle is your wife-"

He cut him off. Sam had to take responsibility for it all. He just did.

That could've been his one chance to try and repay some of the massive debt he owed Deeks, but it hadn't exactly panned out as he'd hoped it might.

Nothing ever did.

"The stakes were _exactly _the same, Deeks. Michelle is my wife, but Kensi is your girl. I know it, so don't deny it. Not even for a second."

Sam hadn't said partner. He hadn't said that they had a 'thing,' or that they were best friends, all of which were true. He'd stated something much more substantial, something that carried meaning.

He'd said that Kensi was '_his girl.' _

It was entirely true, sure- but that didn't mean Deeks wasn't taken aback by the blunt honesty of Sam's statements. He rarely ever cried in the presence of others, especially Sam, but it was completely and totally impossible for Deeks to hold his feelings inside any longer.

He broke down, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

The words struck him with an undeniably profound force, and each time they played back in his head it was like going through it all over again. The blood, the tears, the love.

Deeks relived it, wallowed in it. But in the end, the pain of those moments taught him only one simple thing.

If she was gone, than so was he.


	3. Falling Apart

**Thank you for your continued awesomeness- the reviews are just amazing, I love hearing what you guys have to say! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

Walking through the automatic doors, he paused in the lobby. Everything was foggy through the filter of his own damaged intellect, and Deeks was having a terribly hard time separating memories from the harsh reality that had been laid out in front of him.

He wasn't sure if it was a PTSD relapse, or if he was just losing his mind. The latter seemed to be more probable, but Deeks didn't even care.

All he wanted was to see Kensi. _Alive._

His head spun as he searched for the reception desk, but nothing was coming out clear. A dizzying array of mental pictures danced around in his head, some good and some bad, but soon enough all Deeks could see was _blood_.

Kensi's blood, his blood. A descent mixture of the two.

Luckily the crimson colors didn't stay for long though. Other memories flooded to the forefront of his mind, taking over.

Flying bullets. Car chases. Power drills. Hospital beds. Grocery lists. Nursery rhymes. Beers and burgers with his partner.

Nothing made sense. The world around him was fuzzy, yet at the same time _every single_ image that flashed before his eyes felt vibrantly real, and he held little or no ability to distinguish fact from fiction.

"Deeks."

Sam placed a hand on his shoulder once again, lowering his head so he could examine Deeks' face, while wearing an expression that was clearly one of concern.

"Are you okay?"

Deeks swallowed hard, allowing his eyes to jump around the room as he slowly came back to reality. Sam was in front of him, and Sam was real. _He knew that Sam was real._

That was just about all he knew.

Steadying out his breathing, Deeks nodded, lifting his eyes from the floor.

"I'm good."

It wasn't true- it was a total and complete lie, really. But for the most part, whenever Deeks used that phrase he wasn't actually _good, _so the lie didn't seem to matter.

Counting his footsteps as he went, Deeks made his way over to the reception desk. Fifteen paces in a straight line, and he was there.

He opened his mouth to ask for help, but was stopped almost instantly when he heard frantic voices approaching from around the corner.

"...Patient has gone into cardiac arrest. One GSW to the chest, directly above the appendix…"

Those two simple, yet heart-stopping sentences told Deeks enough- he didn't even care to hear the rest.

Kensi was nearby.

He spun his head around, eyes narrowing in on a woman, a beautiful woman- one he immediately recognized as his partner. She was being raced down the hall on a gurney, and three medics were practically sprinting alongside her, trying to keep up.

"Kens?" Deeks whispered, voice quiet as he rushed to her side.

Reaching out he tried to grab her hand- clearly searching for something tangible that he could hold onto, but both of her hands were already adorning IV's. The next best thing Deeks could do was hold onto one of the bed rails, his pointer finger gently tracing the skin on her palm. It was soft, still, and _warm. _

She wasn't gone, not yet at least.

Kensi wasn't awake or alert, so it wasn't right for Deeks to expect her to respond when he simply uttered her name. But regardless, the silence still _hurt._

Yet another silver of glass working its way into his already broken heart.

"We need you to step aside, sir," one of the paramedics said firmly, glancing up at Deeks as he continued to follow them, down the hallway. Deeks' eyes just remained wide, lips pressed into a firm line as he failed to give a response.

"Sir! You need to _step aside." _

Deeks exhaled, his adam's apple bobbing as a doctor gravitated away from Kensi's side, raising up both hands to hold Deeks back.

"Wait out here. We'll give you updates when we can."

The man was gone in a flash.

Deeks thought about running after her, he really did. But the mere idea that he was preventing Kensi from getting the medical attention she needed kept him at bay. 'Wanting to be around her' wasn't exactly a valid excuse.

In a teary eyed stupor he was left alone, standing wearily in the wreckage of his partner's path. Swallowing, Deeks looked down to the floor, just so that he wouldn't have to watch Kensi leave again.

He knew that she might never be coming back.

All Deeks could do was inhale a deep sob and silent scream as he waited for the pain to pass. It just had to, _eventually. _He couldn't stay like that forever.

The hallway was eerily quiet. All he could hear was the distant beeping of respirators and the faint sound of white sneakers squeaking along the freshly bleached floors.

It was unexpected, honestly- how the _silence_ actually hurt Deeks more than any spoken word ever could.

His eyes grew misty again and for a fleeting second, Deeks thought he was all alone. He thought it was safe to fall apart.

But then there was Sam.

"Hey... I just wanted to let you know that Hetty is on her way."

Deeks ran one hand through his hair, holding back tears tears. But as much as he tried to internalize it, the sadness was still evident in his wet eyes once he finally met Sam's gaze.

"That bad, huh?"

That was his not-so-subtle way of asking about Kensi's condition. When he'd left her at the sight of the shooting, she had been unconscious.

_Unconscious,_ not dead.

Sam didn't feel comfortable answering Deeks' question, but instead decided that offering reassurance was probably the best thing he could do to help.

"Look, we'll just see what the doctors say, once she gets out of surgery. It could be-"

Deeks extended one hand out in front of himself, silencing Sam immediately.

"I'm gonna... take a walk."

Without a second thought Deeks rounded the corner, placing one foot in front of the other until he crossed through the automatic doors.

He tried to take a deep breath, maybe take some productive steps towards calming himself. It didn't work though- the air got caught up somewhere between his chest and mouth. Two words kept repeating over and over again in his head- _cardiac arrest._

Deeks suddenly felt so at fault, he didn't even know what to do with himself. An unusually large number of what-if scenarios played out before him, but one question surpassed all others.

_What if she dies... and it's all my fault?_

He tried standing up straight, but leaning his back and head against the hard concrete wall was the very best Deeks could manage.

Kensi had gone into cardiac arrest in the ambulance, not when she was with him. Deeks had checked her pulse enough times to know that for certain. But regardless- a strong, unadulterated sense of guilt washed over him.

The shooter was the person responsible, of course- and the sound-minded, still relatively sane Marty Deeks knew that fact to be true.

But this man, one who was damaged, broken, hurt, upset, and madly in love all at the same time- he wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

If Kensi didn't make it, then he would have to carry that burden for the rest of his life. No doubt about it.

Deeks sunk to the ground, and quickly the shortness of breath that had been lingering nearby completely took over. Immediately, he knew what was happening inside of himself.

It was the PTSD.

Being tied up in that autobody shop with Siderov was the only time he'd ever felt such an overwhelmingly large amount of panic in his chest.

It had been different, of course- at the time Deeks was fighting for his own life rather than Kensi's.

From his view of things though, their lives were worth about the same amount. He didn't want to exist without her, as Deeks was sure that his life would hold little or no meaning if Kensi wasn't around.

But the last thing he wanted to do was get the chance to find out if that statement was actually true.

Suddenly it was like walking into the hospital all over again. Except this time around, the images in his mind were becoming increasingly vibrant with the passing time.

He saw blood, lots of it.

Trying to get rid of the violent thoughts just seemed to have a reverse affect. He only saw _Kensi._

Every wink, every look, every smile, and every single hidden glance he'd snuck from across the bullpen. Just... _everything._

Touche. Mutant ninja assassins. Sunshine and gunpowder. Poor communication skills. Kissing for the first time, undercover. Kissing for the second time, _not _undercover. 'It's the only thing that got me through.'

But the most recent, the most familiar-_ 'It's a love story.' _

Deeks had wanted to say something more that night, he truly had. But the lack of sleep, and as a result _complete and utter exhaustion_ he was experiencing had kept him at arms length.

Not really 'arms length' though. Their noses had been just a wink apart.

Deeks could've leaned in. Closed the gap. Kissed her with no explanation.

He wouldn't have needed one, honestly. Kensi would've known. Deeks hadn't yet told Kensi that he loved her, he'd just shown her- or at least he'd tried to.

If she was gone, then Deeks just had to hope and pray that she really did know how much he cared. There was a lingering uncertainty, one that made his heart flutter before it lurched up into his throat.

Hopefulness was the only thing keeping Deeks sane as he looked around in front of himself, inspecting his surrounds- there wasn't a soul in sight. The sun was barely beginning to set; just a crescent shaped orange sphere dropping behind the trees.

For a half a second, Deeks forgot about it all. Steadied his breathing. Watched, mystified as the clouds separated and moved slowly across the dull evening sky.

But, as quickly as the memories left him, they all came flooding back.

Bloody jackets. Kensi's voice, quiet and scared. Sirens. One hazel eye. One brown eye. Tears, _lots _of tears. Storytelling to keep his partner alive.

_'Listen to my voice,'_ he'd told her, hoping that, somehow, rambling might change the outcome. That if Kensi were to focus on something for long enough, concentrate hard enough, she might make it out alive.

Deeks had to correct himself mid thought: _they _might make it out alive. Just as he'd told her before- one can't live without the other.

She was the one, he knew it. And it was horribly tragic that Deeks had to go through the experience of losing her to realize that he was ready to finally admit it.

He'd known for years. Verbalizing it was the tricky part.

"Mr. Deeks?"

He jumped upon hearing a familiar voice- _Hetty. _The ninja was standing directly beside him, and he had absolutely no clue how she'd managed to sneak up on him. Teleportation? It seemed probable, coming from her.

"Yeah?" Deeks replied simply, ruffling his already matted hair as he cleared his throat.

Understandably so, he failed to make eye contact with Hetty- his eyes were still damp . But even if they hadn't been, Deeks' swollen cheeks and sniffling nose would've given away the fact that he'd been crying. It was pretty hard to miss.

"Tell her, Mr. Deeks."

Still seated on the ground he shot his head up to look at her, eyes wide with confusion. "What are you-"

"Tell her." she stated simply with a brief nod, pausing only a short moment before continuing. "You know what I am referring to. If she makes it- _tell her. _You have to._"_

Hetty turned and strolled away without another word.

Deeks nearly voiced his confusion, but stopped himself before any sort of a question could roll off his tongue.

Blinking slowly, Deeks' gaze drifted back towards the pavement. All he could do was close his eyes and try to breathe, but the air just got caught in his chest one more. The word _if _was stuck on repeat in his head- _everything_ was still up in the air.

She might make it through, she might not. He had no way of predicting what the outcome might be. But just like always- Hetty was right.

And if Kensi did make it out, _alive, _Deeks wouldn't hesitate to follow his boss's orders.


	4. Just Her

**Thank you all so much for the reviews and PMs, they're incredible- please keep them coming! I love you all! Muah! :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

"I love her."

The words exited his mouth in a single breathy run, an astoundingly large amount of sincerity hidden inside of a rather basic saying.

Sitting outside on the pavement, all alone after Hetty's swift departure, Deeks finally was able to admit that one short string of words to himself.

Sure, he'd said it in his head before, but that was totally different. Deeks had never actually allowed the sentence to roll off of his tongue- and the significance was unnerving.

God, just the idea that she could be dying a mere one hundred paces away from him was practically debilitating. Surgery could take hours though- Deeks had no way of knowing the outcome.

So that was where he sat.

Alone. Tired. Brokenhearted. Awaiting either something he so desperately desired or gravely despised- a doctor telling him that Kensi was still alive, or that she wasn't.

It seemed so simple when he phrased it that way. But in actuality, there was nothing '_simple' _or '_easy to digest' _about it.

Deeks would've done just about anything to take her place. Anything at all.

He believed that she was worth far more than he was, if it really came down to it. Deeks would always put Kensi ahead of himself. She had a mother who loved her, coworkers who cared. Certainly more loose ends than Deeks had.

If she really was gone, than there would be more than just a few who missed her gravely. For Deeks on the other hand, he didn't believe that their cases would be even remotely similar.

His mind had already wandered into completely dark and uncharted territory, so he just allowed the painful array of possibilities to take over.

He thought about his funeral, compared it to hers. There wouldn't be as many people in attendance at his, surely not. Deeks had been known as Max, Jason... as well as a long list of other aliases that weren't really _him_ at all.

The team would attend, of course. Ray would fly in. His mom might actually show up, make a scene. But those were all the people that came to mind.

Kensi though- it would be different. She would get the _world._

Deeks would make it complete and utter perfection, no matter how much he had to dig into his pockets. It would be beautiful yet simple- nothing too fussy. Kensi wouldn't like pomp and circumstance, not at all. He'd subdue his tears, at least for the first half an hour or so. She wouldn't want him to be crying at her funeral.

No, she'd want him to be _happy. _To smile about what they had, not about what he'd lost.

Deeks would try his best, he really would. But once Callen gave some speech about his little sister, and after Julia spoke about her beautiful daughter who was taken from the world far too soon, Deeks wouldn't be able to hold it in any longer.

The tears would brim over his eyelids and run down his cheeks, causing his voice to fade in and out of broken sobs as he tried to speak about her. Tell the world how wonderful she really was. How brave. How _strong._

How it was so wrong that Kensi had been the one to die in the line of duty, as she'd made him promise that he'd never get himself killed, rather than the other way around.

He'd talk about how she was the best partner he could ever ask for, and that the idea of being a cop without her just seemed _wrong. _He'd subtly announce that he wasn't going to work for NCIS anymore, not without her. Every day would just be a reminder.

Deeks would say that he'd loved her more than himself- and that he still did. Some people would be shocked, others not so much. He'd say that he'd always planned on marrying her one day. And with that, Deeks would pull a little velvet black box out of his pocket, holding it in the palm of one of his shaking hands.

When he'd try to speak, Deeks would barely even be able to whisper the story behind the ring. He'd tell the truth- that he'd had it for about six months by that point. That he'd bought it after the torture, after the recovery. He'd smile just barely- remembering that first night when Kensi had shown up on his doorstep. Cronuts and chinese takeout- the perfect medicine.

He'd say that, for a few weeks, they'd spent each and every evening just like that, before he returned to work.

Deeks would admit that she was the only thing that pulled him out of the darkness. The only think that got him through. And that, _randomly_, he'd decided to buy her a ring.

He'd clear his voice and say that he was never sure when he'd actually _ask_ Kensi to marry him, but that he'd planned on just carrying it around with him until the right moment finally came along. It could've been weeks, it could've been years.

Kensi's mom would break down entirely, practically unable to breathe. Sam would comfort her, though he himself would be teary eyed at Deeks' public display of raw, unfiltered emotion.

Eventually, he'd finally come around to wrapping up his speech. Mutter something about how there would never be an end to the amount of things he wanted to say about his partner. The woman he wanted to be his wife. He'd say that she was sunshine and gunpowder, a ray of light in his dark life.

Deeks would try his best to sum it up before stepping down; he'd try to whittle it all into one simple sentence.

"_I lived for her."_

Back in the present, Deeks remained seated on the cold hard concrete, wondering if that would become his reality, one day in the near future. If the emptiness that he was feeling would remain forever.

Wearily, Deeks came to the conclusion that if the thoughts he'd just been having actually came true, then the answer from his subconscious was a resounding, unwavering _yes._

Of course his cheeks were wet again when he brought one hand up to wipe off his face. Briefly and almost naively, Deeks had begun to think that they might've all dried up.

The sky was almost completely dark by that point, nearly every ray of sunlight gone from the evening sky. Deeks wondered if he might should go back inside, but eventually decided that reentering the confining bubble of stark white walls would be practically suffocating. He hated hospitals, really and truly. Honestly, what was there to like? Nothing in his mind.

Sam would come get him the minute anything changed, good or bad.

Deeks almost chuckled as a thought sprung into his mind, but the sound wasn't chipper enough to be considered a laugh. Fishing around in his pocket, it took only a second or two before he was able to grasp a small square box. He pulled it out lazily, fiddling with it's soft, velvet exterior before popping the lid open.

A relatively unassuming diamond ring was nestled between two pillows, the center stone glistening from the streetlamp overhead.

He carried it with him everyday. Not for any reason in particular- it wasn't like he was going to drop down to one knee randomly at a crime scene.

Leaving it at work didn't seem safe, neither did leaving it at home. So rather than locking it up in a safety deposit box somewhere, Deeks just settled on just keeping it in his pocket. His thought process wasn't rational per say, but he didn't even care. It seemed _right._

He liked having it with him. Anytime Kensi cracked a joke or did something to make him smile, Deeks would suddenly just be able to _feel_ the small box in his pocket, as if it could magically vanish and then reappear at the drop of a hat.

At the time that he'd bought it, Deeks kept telling himself that it was silly. That he didn't need to buy it yet- he'd have _years_ to tell Kensi how much he cared. In that moment though, Deeks was incredibly grateful for his impulsive and impatient nature. He pulled Kensi's engagement ring out of the box and played with it, running his fingers over the smooth silver band.

Deeks jumped as the door was thrust open just around the corner. He was still clutching the ring tightly as he dropped one hand down to the ground, hiding his precious possession from any neighboring bystanders.

The person exciting the hospital wasn't someone he knew though, just a stranger. The middle aged woman glanced in his direction for a second, but noticed his condition and moved on rather quickly, not wanting to seem intrusive.

Deeks relaxed as she passed by, lifting up his arms so they rested on the tops of his knees- still holding the ring.

Hopefully, one day soon in the future, _Kensi_ would be the one so possessive of it, not Deeks. A smile tugged at the corners of his lips, just thinking about the possibility.

_Kensi Blye-Deeks._ No, on second thought- just _Kensi Deeks. _Holding onto her own last name would be a mouthful. He'd get to introduce her as his wife, not just his partner. Yeah, that thought easily managed to produce a goofy grin.

Callen and Sam would flip out, no doubt in his mind. Partially out of shock and partially out of protectiveness. Eventually though, they'd come around. He _knew_ they would.

Nell would help Kensi plan the wedding. Hell, Nell would just _plan _the wedding herself. Their venue would most likely be beachside, beautiful and quaint. Perfect for the two of them.

Then, eventually, they might just get their mutant ninja assassins. Two, possibly even three. Life would be_ great. _Really, really great.

She'd wear the ring with pride. Maybe actually allow Deeks to hold her hand in public, without swatting him away like an annoying fly. They'd take Monty on long walks and smile at each other for absolutely no reason.

For once, she'd be happy. He'd be happy. Content and ready for whatever the future held, because they'd learned that, _together, _getting over roadblocks was easy.

That would be his happy ending. Kensi_. _

Forever and always, _just her._


	5. Alone

**The bounty of comments and reviews that this story is receiving is honestly just _incredible. _I love how invested in the story you all are, it makes writing it worthwhile! Thank you for all the love. Muah. **

**-Hazel :)**

* * *

It was exactly what Deeks _didn't _want to happen.

The one thing that could ruin his master plan, which honestly didn't consist of much intricate detail whatsoever. That part didn't really matter though. Regardless of the facts- it wasn't looking good for him. And he knew it.

But there was absolutely nothing Deeks could do about it, as that much reviled _'thing'_ had already happened.

A member of the team had learned about his _not-so-little_ secret.

Deeks didn't even receive a fleeting chance to hide the ring, as Sam had snuck up on him without any warning- not so much as a cough or quick 'hey' to let him know that he was approaching.

Sitting outside on the ground, eyes glazed over and mind wrapped up in an entirely different world, Deeks hadn't been anticipating company.

But nevertheless- _he got it._

"De-Deeks?"

The man let out a sound that vaguely resembled a gasp as he rounded the corner, mouth and eyes both wide as his vision narrowed in on the glistening diamond ring in the palm of Deeks' left hand.

He rotated his body around quickly- frozen. There was no reason for him to make some swift, frantic attempt to hide it, as it was clear that Sam had already seen it.

So Deeks just held on tightly to his most valued possession, his adam's apple bobbing as Sam slowly approached.

"Is- is that..."

The vague question didn't require a response- the answer was already written out plainly across Deeks' face.

Yes, it was a wedding ring. And yes, it was for Kensi. There was nobody else, Sam already knew that fact to be true.

Deeks tucked his chin and looked down to the ground, eyes dancing around on the pavement as he contemplated what he should say. What _could_ he say, honestly?

Frankly speaking, Deeks was just glad that it wasn't Callen who'd snuck up on him. That would've given him a whole new set of problems.

"Were you, gonna, um..." Sam awkwardly pointed at the ring, crouching down so he was sitting at about the same height as Deeks.

Deeks hated his use of the past tense, but tried to ignore it.

"Propose?"

He offered the word up weakly, his exterior growing increasingly frail with the passing time. Sam just nodded wearily, still in a genuine state of shock as he awaited a reply.

Deeks ran one hand across his face and through his hair, staring down at the ring in his hand. "Yeah... One day, eventually."

Sam smiled. The expression was half-hearted and strained, but only partially fake, as it was truthful to say that Deeks' words managed to take some of the pain away, at least for a moment. "You really love her, huh?"

Deeks grinned tearfully, almost chuckling- except the sound itself wasn't happy enough to be considered a laugh, really. It was more for Sam's sake than his own.

"Uh-huh."

Sam clenched his jaw, knowing well that Deeks was trying his very best to put on a tough exterior.

"When were you gonna do it?"

He hoped that by asking a couple of questions, Sam might be able to get Deeks' mind off of her condition.

"Well..." His voice quivered and Deeks tried his best to just keep on talking.

"Not for awhile, you know. But I love her, and if I proposed, then I, um..." Deeks furrowed his eyebrows as he played with the ring, sucking in a single unsteady breath before continuing. "I thought maybe then she'd know."

Sam swallowed, continuing to stare at Deeks, who just continued to stare at the ground.

Meeting Sam's eye line would've meant actually acknowledging that he was there, and that they really were talking about his potential _proposal _to Kensi. He wanted to pretend that the entire day had been one massive, awful dream. The marriage part wasn't awful, definitely not.

But everything else was.

Deeks considered the repercussions that could come about after what he was about to say, but when all was said and done, he really didn't see the harm in venting. They were already discussing marriage, so a simple kiss easily paled in comparison.

"I kissed her. Once."

Deeks immediately realized how juvenile his statement sounded. _'I kissed her, so marriage would be the next logical step. Of course.'_

Sam, on the other hand, wasn't laughing or teasing. Not even close.

He was just crouching on the ground, feeling an undeniably large amount of empathy towards his friend. The man was clearly hurting, and he hated watching it unfold- there was absolutely _nothing_ he could do to help ease the pain.

"When?"

Deeks awkwardly scratched the side of his head, just thinking about the memory. The kiss was a happy thought, sure- but the torture went hand in hand with it. He had trouble contemplating one without remembering the other.

"It kind of just _happened. _We were, um, running surveillance... for the Siderov case."

Nothing more needed to be said. Sam knew the case, the date, the time. What he was wearing, what Deeks was wearing. Every single possible detail that had come about on that particular day.

_All of it_ had been engrained in his memory forever.

"Did you tell her?"

Deeks looked perplexed by Sam's question, and actually met his gaze for once- eyes red and puffy. "That I want to marry her?"

"No. That you love her."

He thought about adding _first things first, _but figured it would be inappropriate, considering the circumstances. If Kensi was gone, than anything even remotely humorous would need to be stifled forever, really.

"No."

The answer was simple, but still required a large amount of energy on Deeks' part. Mainly because he regretted it._ All of it._

Not the kiss- just the lack of communication. Deeks should've told Kensi that he loved her, and he knew it all too well. Just a few hours prior, as he watched the light drain from her eyes, he'd said that _it was a love story,_ not that he actually loved her- and there was a difference. It was a cowardly replacement for words that couldn't be replaced.

_That_ was the exact problem. Not the regrets, not the mistakes- those seemed insignificant.

It was that Deeks knew three little words could've changed _everything _for him_._

"Look, Deeks- don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing that something like this was going to happen."

Deeks knew that Sam was just trying to help. He honestly did.

But the man had _no clue_ how he felt. He didn't know what it was like to deal with something like that- so Deeks had a hard time not being snappy.

"No, I didn't."

He immediately wished he could take the words back, maybe rephrase them with a gentler tone.

"Sam-"

"It's fine," he said quickly, lifting one hand up to stop him before he could apologize. It wasn't necessary.

"Just... just know that Kensi loves you too."

Deeks snapped his head up straight, no longer allowing it to dangle off his neck. How could Sam know something like that? Was it an educated guess, or something more?

"How do you, um-"

"She didn't tell me," he stated, back tracking fairly quickly. "But I can just tell. It's pretty obvious, if you read between the lines."

Deeks wished that he'd held that same ability. He could never actually tell what Kensi was feeling; under no circumstances was she an 'open book'.

Not knowing whether Sam was being truthful or merely trying to make him smile was the only think keeping Deeks from actually showing him a true smile. His words were somewhat comforting, sure- but they weren't coming directly from the source, which was exactly what he needed.

Three little words. To hear them said, _aloud_, from Kensi to him. If Deeks got that, than he was certain he'd be alright. Solely because it would mean that Kensi was going to live to see another day.

Suddenly he felt a strong urge to open up, to let off some steam- otherwise Deeks was sure he would start screaming from the mounting pressure.

"She needs to live, Sam." He shook his head, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I just... I don't want to try to move on. I won't be able to."

Sam wasn't even going to try and deny his statements, or say that Deeks would eventually 'find someone else'- because he wouldn't.

And Sam knew it.

"I know. But we're just gonna have to wait and see what happens. You need to be strong_- for her_."

Deeks nodded, still playing with the ring. He couldn't take his eyes off of it.

"I know. And I will."

Sam gave it to him straight, and Deeks appreciated it. No flowery words, no sugar coating. That was exactly what he needed- someone who was kind, but still undeniably honest.

Deeks was living out something that he'd always hoped and prayed would never happen, the nightmare that every agent had- their partner dying. Except for Deeks, his partner was also the person he wanted to marry, and it wasn't a dream. It was _real._

Painstakingly slowly, he was living it all out. The potential of grave loss and intense heartache, all wrapped up into one horrifying day.

She might die, she might live. It could go either way, he knew that.

His entire life up until that point had been one big tragedy, so it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. Deeks had already shot his father, practically disowned his mother, been tortured with a power drill, shot in the chest- and that was just the beginning of a long list of terrible experiences. For most people, just one or two of the incidents would cripple them completely, as they were all (somewhat) equally awful.

But this... no, this was different. His other half, gone in the blink of an eye. It was something that Deeks would never recover from, something that would haunt him for the rest of his life, whether it be long or short.

If Kensi was gone though, than the latter would've been what Deeks would've wanted. He would've preferred it, really.

_A short life of loneliness._

It would be okay though. They'd_ both_ be alone.


	6. Dead or Alive

**Hello lovely people! I'm just about to hop on an airplane, and wanted to make sure this was posted before I left- so here you go! I'll try to update while I'm away, but we'll see... I'm not entirely sure how much writing time I'm going to have. **

**Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this new chapter, and please continue to review as always! (I'm gonna read them all on the airplane:)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

_If Kensi was gone though, than the latter would've been what Deeks would've wanted. He would've preferred it, really._

_A short life of loneliness._

_It would be okay though. They'd both be alone._

Sam asked Deeks a million little questions after their exchange, none of which he had an answer for. Judging by the way he eyed him as they approached the hospital, it was clear that Sam was worried.

Deeks' mental health was his main concern, so Sam continuously walked on eggshells around him- as if the agent was going to snap at any given moment. It was a viable worry, but Deeks wasn't having any of it. He just had to keep muttering, _'I'm fine,'_ and '_don't worry about me,'_ and '_It'll be okay.'_

Nothing he stated was actually truthful, but it was the best he could manage, honestly.

He was tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Tired of breaking down.

So, putting up a stone cold wall of unemotional looks and stares at nothing seemed like the best thing Deeks could possibly do for himself.

He stayed stoic and (almost) put together for just a few mintues after reentering the confines of the hospital. His barriers didn't hold for long though.

They came crashing down as Julia sprinted in through the automatic doors- flustered and teary eyed. Her head zipped around from person to person, searching for a familiar face.

"Where is she? _Where's my daugther?_"

The woman was practically screaming, clearly unsure as to where she was supposed to direct her anger.

"Hey, hey, hey," Deeks began as he jogged towards her, putting a hand out to stop Sam from coming any closer. He knew how to handle Kensi, so he was hoping that her mother operated in a similar way. "It's okay."

He rested both hands on her shoulders comfortingly, unsure of what more he could say.

"Wh-where is she? What's going on?"

Deeks exhaled, lifting one hand away to scratch the bag of his head.

"She's in surgery. We don't know anything yet."

He could see Julia try to stifle more tears, but they sat on the brims of her eyes, ready to spill over.

"How bad?"

Deeks didn't know how he was supposed to reply to that. What did she want to hear? Did she want the truth, or did she want him to lie? To make something up?

He weighed each possible option for a long moment, but was silent in the interim. Julia could read in between the lines- she knew what the absence of sound meant.

The woman shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks as reality settled in; every worst fear she'd ever had was coming true before her eyes.

She just needed somewhere to redirect her emotions, and Deeks was the closest thing she had to Kensi.

Unexpectedly Julia moved in for a hug, burying her head in the crook of his shoulder. At first, Deeks was far too shocked to do anything, really. He'd met her once, under tense circumstances- they weren't _close _by any means.

It was possible that she knew Deeks better than he could even understand, though.

Kensi might have told her about him. About them. About how she felt.

_About their love story. _

His heart tugged on the last possibility, hoping with an unrelenting intensity that it held some truth. Maybe he was reading to far into it? No. That wouldn't do.

Maybe, _just maybe-_ he still wasn't searching hard enough for the real truth behind her actions.

Deeks eventually wrapped both arms around her back, allowing Kensi's mother to cry on his shoulder.

"Just breathe," he suggested, as if his words were going to help in dulling the pain.

He could only hope.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Julia whispered finally, her face still turned away from his. "She wasn't supposed to get hurt."

"I know."

Silence fell over them, but the curtain of serenity didn't last for long.

"I can't lose her," she said breathily, her voice shaky and frail.

Deeks clenched his jaw, shaking his head for a fleeting moment before responding.

"Neither can I."

He wanted to stay strong, just as Sam had suggested earlier. Deeks didn't want her to see the soft, vulnerable side of himself that had been exposed to the public for nearly the entire extent of that particular day.

But his well-wishes didn't matter, not really. As the words expelled from his mouth, they couldn't help but sound weak, fragile... almost _longing _in his delivery.

They were truthful though, and that was all that mattered. If Kensi's mom was anything like Deeks' partner, than the last thing she'd want him to do was lie. She'd want the truth, no matter what it was.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one," Julia added quietly, interrupting Deeks' train of thought. "And I'm... I'm glad that she has you."

_That. Right there._

Anyone with half a brain could see the little inuendos hidden inside of her statements. 'Having' someone usually entailed more than just a basic friendship, and he knew it.

So Kensi _had_ said something.

It could've been anything, really. She could've said that he was a nice guy. That he always had her back. That he watched out for her. That they were friends.

Or, she could've said what Deeks desired the most, above all other types of recognition.

She could've told her mother that he was more than just a partner.

"Me too," Deeks replied simply, wanting to verbalize another strand of words but stifling himself. It was not the right time, nor was it the right place. Hopefully, if everything went in his favor, Deeks would have many years to let Julia know how much he loved her daughter.

She finally relinquished herself from his grip, wiping both eyes with the corner of her sleeve.

"I-I'm sorry."

The woman had no reason to apologize for wanting a hug. He just smiled, but it wasn't lighting his eyes in the same way that it usually did.

"Don't be."

Julia nodded. "Okay."

Yes, this was _clearly _Kensi's mother. Right down to their constant use of the word 'okay.'

Her eyes widened as a seemingly trivial thought popped into her mind.

"After Sam called I ran out the door... and I left the oven on," she said, cursing quietly to herself for being so careless.

"I was making dinner, because, um... _Kensi _was coming over tonight..."

Julia trailed off, her damp eyes glued to the floor.

"Oh...well, do you want me to drive you home?" Sam asked, finally standing up from his chair against the wall. "Deeks can call us whenever we he knows something more."

She shook her head, taking two steps away from Deeks. "No, no. I can drive myself. I'll... go home. For now. But call me if anything happens, please."

Both Sam and Deeks nodded together in unison, both men giving Julia a tiny, toothless smile as she turned to leave.

Deeks was finally able to exhale in her absense, his heart rate nearly returning to normal.

He hadn't known what to expect from her, not at all.

Julia's exterior had seemed to be a bit mushier than that of her daughter, but he'd always assumed that would prove to be true. Kensi's wild spirit came from her father- or at least that's what Deeks had gathered from the way she'd described it to him. A '_Daddy's girl'_ to the end.

Deeks heaved another breath, still standing in the middle of the hallway where she'd left him. Deeks was just... processing.

What she'd said, what he'd said.

Maybe he'd talked too much? Said the wrong thing? Been too blunt? Too honest? Not honest enough?

He sighed, _heavily. _

Deeks was fleetingly overcome by something he easily recognized as anxiety. He had become quite familiar with the emotion during his recovery- far more familiar than he would've preferred.

But this was just _different,_ somehow. Being weak, tired and emotionally drained all at once caused his worry to increase by a landslide.

Taking three steps backwards he sunk into the chair beside Sam, eyes practically groaning with exhaustion.

"You good?" Sam asked, cocking his head to one side.

"Yeah," he replied through another staggered sigh, rubbing both eyes with the palms of his hands. "I'm good."

"Really?"

Deeks snorted, but the laughter wasn't lighting up his eyes like it usually did. "What do you think?"

"I think you're lying. But you're damn good at it, so it's hard to tell sometimes."

He chuckled again, but it was just a sound, nothing more. "I'm a pro."

He could've said a million more things- that was the typical 'Marty Deeks' attitude, after all. Cracking a few jokes at his own expense would've been easy.

But throwing out jibes and quips when Kensi's condition was still unknown didn't feel right, not in the slightest.

As Deeks settled back into the chair, it seemed as if the sound of the clock became progressively louder with each second that ticked by. He just stared at it, eyes focusing in and out on the timepiece, then back in again.

That was a bad sign. He couldn't even _see _straight.

Deeks rolled his neck, wondering how many hours had passed by that point. The clock told him nothing, as he couldn't even remember what time the shooting had actually taken place.

He knew that it was late, and that he was tired. He knew that Kensi was still in surgery, and that it had been hours since a single doctor had even adressed him face to face.

But most of all, Deeks knew that he wanted his girl back.

A slamming door forced his gaze upwards, both eyes narrowing as he saw Hetty round the corner. She approached them at a surprisingly hasty speed, one that continued to increase as she came closer and closer.

Deeks and Sam both stood up from their chairs, the two men wearing matching expressions- a strong concotion of blind hope and uncertainty.

Hetty gave them each a very slight nod before moving her eyes over to focus solely on Deeks, a twinkle largely apparent in both.

"She's alive."


	7. Deliverance

**A new chapter, finally! I'm not gonna hold you guys for too long up here, I just wanted to say thank you once again! I adore you all... thank you so much for the reviews! I absolutely **_**love**_** reading them. :)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

"_She's alive."_

Deeks' eyes widened drastically before shrinking back to their normal size. He exhaled, a massive grin spreading across his entire face.

That was what he'd been wanting, needing, _craving._

"Really?" He whispered simply, unable to formulate a full sentence.

Hetty nodded, smiling all the while. "I don't know how she made it, but she did. Your partner survived a heart attack, as well as a bullet to the ribcage. She's very lucky to be alive."

Deeks bit his bottom lip, misty eyed as his eyes drifted down to the floor.

"That's my girl."

There was a short moment of silence before Sam placed a hand on his friends shoulder, chuckling and raising his eyebrows as Deeks turned around to face him.

He tossed up his hands, saying a non verbal _'thank god' _before pulling Deeks into a quick hug, patting him on the back.

"Tell her," Sam said, speaking quietly enough that he hoped Hetty wouldn't be able to overhear. It wouldn't have mattered if she did listen in, but he wasn't aware of that.

Deeks nodded once, swallowing as he thought about getting to see his partner, alive and well.

Her eyes. Her scent. Her hair. Her smile. Her laugh.

_Everything._

"So... can I see her yet?" He asked, his voice small. Usually Deeks would've hated how timid he sounded, but there was no other way for him to phrase it.

And frankly, he didn't even care. A face-to-face conversation with Kensi was in his immediate future, and absolutely _nothing _could've brought him down.

"Yes, you can see her."

Deeks rubbed his scruff, heart rate increasing. "Is she already awake?"

Hetty shook her head, but a large grin was still peeking through. "Not yet. But the doctors told me that you can go in and wait for her to wake up. It will be a few hours, but I don't think she'll mind the company."

Deeks nodded eagerly, inhaling sharply as he did so. Above all else, the detective just looked _nervous._

Turning on his heels to face Sam, Deeks was smiling from ear to ear.

"Wish me luck?"

Sam grinned, scratching the edge of his chin. "I don't think you'll need it. Not with her, at least."

Deeks smirked at his little correction. "Thanks man."

"Don't sweat it."

His smile just couldn't be contained by that point, and suddenly Deeks desperately needed to get moving, otherwise he would most likely start jumping up and down where he stood.

"What's her room number?"

"206. It's around the corner, and the third door on your left."

"Thanks."

He spun around and began following Hetty's instructions exactly, rounding the corner and picking up the pace as his eyes caught on the door he knew to be hers. With one hand on the doorknob he paused, taking a moment for mental preparation. Deeks huffed out three quick breaths, gaze drifting towards the ceiling before finally walking inside.

Crossing the threshold, his heart rate immediately spiked. A repetitive sound of beeping filled his ears, the noise working in tune with the small green spikes that were raising and lowering on a screen beside her bed.

Deeks smiled faintly, taking wide and uneven steps towards her bed, studying her face dutifully. It was still and calm, not even a hint of pain visible to the naked eye. The morphine seemed to be doing it's job, and he was grateful.

There was a chair already placed beside her bed, just waiting for Deeks to fill. He couldn't bear to pull his eyes away from her though, so sitting wasn't plausible in that exact moment.

Once he finally reached her side Deeks leaned forward, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. He allowed his lips to linger against her skin, which felt warm and soft beneath his touch.

Pulling back, he allowed himself to sit down and take a breath. She was alive, and he knew that undoubtedly.

_Alive. _

A few stray pieces of hair had fallen around her face, so with one gently moving and shaky hand Deeks brushed each one away individually. As his arm dropped away from her face he moved it forward and grabbed her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers.

Sitting beside her in complete and utter silence, Deeks began to think about the day that he'd just experienced. The heartache he'd just managed to escape.

And for some odd reason, all he wanted to do was talk about it. Vent a little.

Not to anyone in particular though... _just Kensi._

He knew that Kensi was asleep, and that she couldn't hear him. But Deeks decided regardless that she wouldn't mind hearing the sound of his voice, even if it was just for a little while.

"Hey Kens," he began, leaning forward in his chair. "Today has been... long. Really, _really _long. I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that twice though, um..."

Deeks trailed off, scratching the back of his neck as he searched for words. "I'm sure you know it better than anyone."

He chuckled lightly, thinking back to an _almost _fond memory. "Sam's been being really nice to me though, I wish you could've seen him. I've never seen anything like it, honestly. The man was practically exuding compassion. Hetty too. She ended up surprising me the most, which shouldn't be a shock. She is the _ninja,_ after all."

Deeks began tracing her palm with his thumb, just as he'd tried to do when she'd first been rushed into the hospital. "It was hard, though. Everyone kept trying to calm me down. Sam, Hetty, doctors, nurses... they asked me if I was okay, or if I needed something."

The air felt thick and heavy, but he still managed to continue on. "And I never knew what to say, because you were all that I wanted. Nothing else mattered."

Deeks began to wonder if he was crazy for talking to someone who was clearly still unconscious, but his worries didn't last long. It felt good and it felt right, so he allowed himself to continue.

"You know Kens, I um..." Deeks' voice cracked, but he pressed on regardless. "I thought that I'd lost you. I thought you were gone. And I... I just felt so _alone_."

His eyes narrowed in on their linked hands, and he squeezed her fingers the tiniest bit tighter in his.

"I just kept waiting to wake up, like I was stuck in a nightmare or something. All I could see was that bloody image of you, again and _again._" He shuddered and shook his head, swallowing. "And I just kept hoping and wishing that you would wake up again... so I could tell you the truth, once and for all. No more games. No more dancing around the truth."

Deeks realized that he was just solely speaking to himself by that point, and assumed it was time to wrap it all up. He didn't want a nurse interrupting in the middle of his little speech.

"You're it for me, Kens," Deeks whispered breathily, his eyelids drooping from exhaustion as he leaned back in the chair beside her. "And I should've told you a long time ago."

* * *

Oh, _ow. _She'd never, in her entire life, felt a headache that strong and unrelenting.

Kensi's eyes briefly fluttered open, the florescent lights piercing her eyes as the room spun around her. She shifted around each limb once, making sure they all worked. Toes, legs, arms, _hands. _

The beeping on the monitor beside her bed skyrocketed to an all time high as her eyes caught on the company she had seated beside her.

_Deeks. _

He was slumped over in the chair adjacent to her bed, eyes shut as he slept. Without moving anymore than just her head, Kensi stared down at their intertwined hands.

Deeks was the last person she'd seen before everything went dark, and the first person she saw when life was returned to her body.

_All was right with the world._

Tears began stinging her eyes and before she could do anything about it, hot, salty water droplets were dribbling down her cheeks, staining them.

Recalling their final conversation was easy for her to do, but still painful. She thought about the sadness in his eyes as he spoke to her, desperately trying to keep her alive. How he'd held her, desperately trying to stay strong but failing as the waterworks overcame him.

The words _'It's a love story, Kens,' _played on repeat in her mind, their persistence unrelenting.

Deeks was right, it was a love story. And with her alive, they might just be able to experience it.

"Ms. Blye?"

She whipped her head around to find a nurse standing in the doorway, barely whispering Kensi's name as she spotted Deeks.

The woman tiptoed towards her, smiling widely. "Good, you're awake."

Kensi nodded, sniffling and wiping the tears from beneath her eyes with the one hand that was still free.

"He's been here all night," the nurse said, motioning towards Deeks and lowering her voice even more as she approached. "The poor guy fell asleep about an hour ago. I didn't have the heart to wake him up."

A smile tugged at the corners of Kensi's mouth once more, her eyes drifting away from the nurse and back over to Deeks.

"I'm sure he's exhausted."

"Definitely," she agreed with a grin, placing a new IV in Kensi's arm without so much as a warning. "So... is this your boyfriend or husband?"

Kensi's cheeks flushed red, both eyes narrowing in on her left hand, which was still clutching one of his.

Even with the nurse's question, she didn't try to pull it away.

"Par-" _No, Kensi, _she reminded herself. _Art curators don't have partners._

"Um... neither. Just a close friend."

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either.

The nurse widened her eyes, still working away. "Geez. Some friend."

Kensi sighed, smiling and leaning her head back against the bounty of pillows that supported her.

"Yeah. Some friend."


	8. Let it Out

**The final chapter is here! Thank you so much for all the love and support, the response that this story generated was (and is) truly overwhelming! I hope you all the enjoy:)**

**-Hazel**

* * *

Deeks could hardly even believe that he'd managed to fall asleep.

He pushed himself up in his chair, his right hand still linked with one of Kensi's. The grip had been thoroughly loosened on both ends, to the point where their fingers were merely lying on top of each other's.

She was sleeping soundly in front of him, her body laying in a slightly different position than it had been previously. Her eyes were puffier, her cheeks redder- Kensi had clearly been crying.

His heart began to race even faster as he noted the new IV that had been placed strategically in her arm.

_She'd woken up. _

Deeks couldn't help but break into a smile, knowing that she'd continued holding his hand after coming to consciousness. Not jerking or pulling it away... now _that _was a first.

He sat up straight, yawning and rubbing his eyes with the one hand that was still free. Apparently the sound Deeks made was louder than he intended, as Kensi began to stir beside him.

He cursed inaudibly to himself for being so careless, but it was too late for him to try and be quieter. He'd already woken her up.

Kensi's eyes fluttered, her hazel and brown orbs needing a long moment to adjust to the light.

"Hey, partner."

Deeks smiled. Her voice was most definitely the most beautiful sound he'd heard all day.

"Hey there," he replied simply, leaning forward with both elbows resting on his knees.

"You're not gonna punch me in my bullet hole, are you?"

Deeks chuckled as she continued squinting at him, her lips turning up into a tiny grin.

"No, no Kensalina. That's your joke, not mine."

Her smile widened. "How do you know I was joking?"

He nodded slowly, eyes gleaming wide a strong sense of pride.

_She was starting to sound like him. _

"Touche."

Kensi looked him up and down, her eyes lagging as they caught on his bloodstained tee shirt.

"You look like you just walked out of a horror movie."

He was cute enough to be in a horror movie, too. One of those frat guys, super muscular and-

_No, Kensi. Pull it together. _

"Well, I kinda did."

She laughed, the sound uneasy and slightly louder than usual, like she was overcompensating.

"What do you mean? Did I miss something? Are you an actor now?"

Deeks tucked his head, ruffling the mop of shaggy blond hair that sat atop his head.

"Nope. It just kinda felt like one, that's all."

Kensi's face fell, her eyes widening slightly.

"I'm sorry."

He tried to smile, but it was clearly strained.

"It's okay. I'm fine."

She raised her eyebrows. "You're fine?"

Deeks opened his mouth twice before any words would actually come out.

"Yes, I'm fine. You're the one that got shot today, not me."

She nodded, head partially cocked to one side.

"Very true. I feel like... _death, _just slightly warmer._"_

It wasn't the perfect illustration, but it was the only one she could come up with on the spot.

"That's a pretty valid description. You did almost die, after all."

Kensi's grip tightened up on his hand, instinctively. "I did."

Her voice became quieter, almost childlike as she continued.

"Thank you. For everything that you did."

Deeks didn't know exactly what she was referring to, so he went with the simplest, least incriminating conclusion.

"I was just being a good partner."

"Is that all?" She asked with one eyebrow raised, watching as Deeks' head popped up. "Because I think it would be worrisome if Sam and Callen started talking to one another like that."

Deeks blinked slowly. He smiled, but didn't laugh.

"Probably."

"Uh-huh."

Swallowing and chuckling weakly, Kensi looked down to her feet, eyes closed as she desperately tried to find the words she was looking for.

"You know... one of the paramedics said that you just kept holding me, even as they tried to pry me away," she stated, almost timid as she lifted her gaze to meet his. "They said you didn't want to let me go."

He didn't drop her gaze, not even for a second. "They were right. I didn't."

Kensi's eyes dampened immediately, but she made no quick effort to wipe at her cheeks or try to stifle them. She just let the tears _flow._

They stained her face, dripping down one by one onto the blanket that covered her legs.

"Why?"

It was a stupid question, and she knew it. But for some reason, a large part of her kept on insisting that she ask it.

"Well, for one... you're my partner. It's my job to keep you safe."

She nodded, almost looking disappointed- but the feeling was premature. _Deeks wasn't finished yet._

He scooted another foot in her direction, almost completely closing the distance between them.

"It's more than that, though."

Kensi listened intently, and couldn't help but blush as the heart monitor next to her began beeping louder and louder.

_Dammit._

Deeks didn't even acknowledge it. He was far too lost in her eyes.

"It's a love story, Kens."

She tried exhaling, but the air just got caught up somewhere in her chest. It hurt like hell, and she began to wonder why. _Going into cardiac arrest can be painful, _she reminded herself.

"It is."

There they were. The exact same words they'd shared right after she'd been shot. Except this time, the circumstances had vastly improved.

_Nobody was dying. _

"I love you."

She chuckled, loving how genuine it sounded.

"I felt like that was already implied when you said the whole 'love story' thing."

Deeks shrugged, smiling right back at her.

"It still doesn't hurt for me to repeat it though, right?"

"Nope. I don't mind hearing it... or saying it myself."

"You still haven't," he stated, only half-kidding.

"Really?"

"Nope. Not yet."

Kensi smirked. "Okay, well... I do."

"You what?"

She was toying with him, and he adored it. That day had been filled with too much heartache- a little bit of laughter was highly necessary.

"I love you."

The words were simple and profound, real and true.

"I love you too."

Kensi smiled. "I think you already said that."

"Well... I wanna tell you again. Is that bad?"

"No. Not at all. You can tell me as often as you want."

"Okay then." Deeks grinned, one that was crooked and made Kensi wonder how a single human being could possibly be that gorgeous. "I love you, I love you, I love youuuu-"

"Deeks?"

"-youuuuuu, I lo-"

"Deeks!"

"-ve youuuuuu-"

"Ms. Blye?"

_An unfamiliar voice. _That finally shut him up.

The nurse entered slowly, looking rather bemused. "Sorry to interrupt- can I, um-"

She pointed one finger towards the counter in the back of the room, clearly flustered by the little confession she'd just overheard.

_Yeah. Some friend._

Kensi's cheeks reddened, and she swiftly jerked her hand away from Deeks'.

"Um, sure! Go ahead.

The woman nodded, turning away and biting her bottom lip in an attempt not to laugh.

Kensi swatted Deeks on the shoulder the minute the nurse was no longer looking.

"Ow!" he whisper-yelled. "What the hell?"

"You're very... loud."

He rolled his eyes, grabbing her hand once again.

"Okay, whatever."

"Whatever?"

"Yeah, _whatever. _Why are you acting so weird?_"_

"I'm not acting weird."

_Kensi knew that she was acting really weird._

"You're acting super-duper weird. I thought you loved me, Kensalina?"

She just nodded, expression staunch. "I do love you."

"Then what... _oh," _he said, mouth turning up in a smile. "I see."

"You see what?"

"You told her I was just your partner," Deeks whispered, eyeing the nurse as she quietly worked away.

She motioned for him to hush, but he just grinned wider.

"You did, didn't you?"

"I didn't! And keep your voice down!"

"What did you tell her then?"

Kensi half-smiled. "I said that you were a friend."

"_A friend?" _He repeated, almost incredulous.

"Yes! What was I supposed to say? _Partner?"_

He furrowed his eyebrows, not sharing her large sense of concern.

"Yeah, probably."

She cocked her head to one side. "Aren't I an art curator?"

"Not here. You got _shot, _remember?"

She narrowed her eyes, feigning a glare. Okay, so the whole 'maintaining cover' thing had been silly.

"Yes, I remember._ Smart ass."_

"Awww, come on Ferny. You know I love you."

Kensi simply nodded, a slight twinkle in her eyes.

"You said it about fifteen times. It would be worrisome if I hadn't picked up on it yet."

He winked. "How right you are."

Pausing, Deeks looked over his shoulder to the nurse, then back to Kensi.

"I really wanna kiss you."

She cocked her head to one side, heart rate skyrocketing.

_That damn machine. _

"There will be plenty of time for that later."

"Oh, I know."

The way he smiled was so certain, yet still so teasing. It was just so _Deeks. _

And it basically made her heart melt into a puddle, just like everything else he did.

"I think you want me to kiss you too."

"How's that?"

He nodded his head to the left. "Heart monitor. It comes close to exploding every time I smile."

She opened her mouth to respond, hoping to say something cheeky about how he really was going to kill her one day, but the nurse tiptoeing out of the room stopped her.

Deeks' eyes tailed her as she left, but returned to Kensi once the door was closed.

"Look at that. Now there's nothing to stop me from-"

She didn't even give him a chance to finish that one simple thought. Kensi sat forward and wrapped both arms around his neck, pressing his lips to hers. The frantic movement hurt, but only for a moment.

Deeks stood up from his chair, leaning down to meet her. He tried his best to be gentle with her fragile frame, letting one hand rest behind her neck, the other on her shoulder.

Kensi could feel a smile appear on his face as he finally pulled away, the tips of their noses touching.

"I was gonna say '_from kissing you.'_"

"Sorry. I guess I beat you to it."

He smiled, slowly lowering himself back down into his seat. "It seems that you did."

Suddenly and without warning, Deeks could just _feel_ that little black ring box in his pocket. His face turned white, the change in complexion rather alarming to Kensi.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he whispered, smiling and exhaling as he brushed a small tuft her hair behind her ear. "Absolutely nothing."

It wasn't the right time, definitely not. _Too soon- _he knew that.

But one day down the road, when the time was just right, he'd finally offer up that little diamond ring to her.

And for the first time in his life, Deeks was genuinely confident that she'd accept.


End file.
